Much goes on around us that is never reported, and when it is, it’s rare that those responsible are incarcerated. For 60 years, criminologists have known that fewer than 1% of criminals are ever incarcerated for their crimes.
“The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.” Or to quote a legendary thinker on human nature: “We are what we repeatedly do.”
Narcissistic personalities have an uncanny ability to identify weakness or insecurity in others and use it to put others down or make themselves look better. They don’t care how you feel; they thrive by belittling others.
It may seem as if they care, until you discover how superficial and infrequent their interest in your life and well-being actually is — except when it affects them.
Narcissists can be hard to spot at first because they may be intelligent, engaging, and interesting, even exuding an aura of omnipotence. They can be charming to those who can help them, but eventually they show their true colors.
Sometimes, you’ll see overt displays of arrogance, haughtiness, or grandiosity that give you insight and may also make you feel that something isn’t right.
Because they are so limited in empathy, they are like “half people” looking for someone to complete them. Yet when they find someone, things go downhill because no one can really fulfill a narcissist.
Every person who has associated with a narcissistic personality has said the same thing: They were forbidden to flourish. How did they feel? “Small, insignificant, inferior.”
Narcissists cannot express love as we understand it. For them, it’s conditional or comes with strings attached; in other words, “I will do this for you, but I expect certain things from you in return.” For the narcissistic, love is about quid pro quo: something for something. It is not altruistic.
I owe you nothing. You had it pretty nice, thanks to me, for many years. You lived in a gated community. You should be thanking me.
Just as narcissists idealize themselves, so they may expect perfection form their children, pushing children to be the best, even at things the children don’t like or aren’t good at, and constantly raising the bar.
Any problems they have will be met with indifference or some version of “Get over it,” “It’s not so bad,” or “Don’t be a crybaby — that’s nothing compared to what happened to me.”
And if things get worse and the matter comes up for review or there’s a civil action, whoever has the most accurate record of events wins. But you need to write it down and share it with others.
Changeable as the weather and far less predictable, they careen from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other, feeling on top of the world or like a princess one minute and a victim in the gutter the next. They can quickly turn hostile, impulsive, or even irrational.
Unstable personalities are perennial “wound collectors.”
They are in some ways “victims in search of an oppressor.”
In a way, their reaction is similar to how young children react when they suddenly rant, “I don’t love you anymore!” when they don’t get their way.
Threats of suicide or self-harm should always be taken seriously.
Don’t expect emotionally unstable personalities to respond to logic when they’re upset or acting out. They tend to react emotionally rather than logically when stressed or critiqued. Their thinking is binary: all or nothing, good or bad, black or white; there are no shades of gray.
Cults are attractive to unstable personalities because of the attention they’re given by the cult members, the unconditional acceptance they receive, the group bonding that is common, and the structure that’s provided that they can’t seem to get in normal society.
They sometimes speak of being bored and of feeling a pervasive emptiness.
The closer you are, the more likely you’ll be in their crosshairs, as they tend to attack the very people they claim to love.
Like narcissists, unstable personalities move in fast when dating — but while narcissists do it for dominance, these personalities do it for stability and the emotional high or feeling adored.
Trying to convince, persuade, or argue with them is usually nonproductive and, in fact, may backfire, as you may be seen as the enemy for disagreeing with them or not seeing things with their unique or special clarity.