Bonnie said, “Stop, please don’t leave. This is when I need you the most. I’m in pain. I haven’t slept in days. Please listen to me.”
I stopped for a moment to listen.
She said, “John Gray, you’re a fair-weather friend! As long as I’m sweet, loving Bonnie you are here for me, but as soon as I’m not, you walk right out that door.”
Then she paused, and her eyes filled up with tears. As her tone shifted she said, “Right now I’m in pain. I have nothing to give, this is when I need you the most. Please, come over here and hold me. You don’t have to say anything. I just need to feel your arms around me. Please don’t go.”
I walked over and silently held her. She wept in my arms. After a few minutes, she thanked me for not leaving. She told me that she just needed to feel me holding her.
At that moment I started to realize the real meaning of love - unconditional love. I had always thought of myself as a loving person. But she was right. I had been a fair-weather friend.
We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways - the ways we react and behave when we love someone. This attitude sets us up to be disappointed again and again and prevents us from taking the necessary time to communicate lovingly about our differences.
The most frequently expressed complaint women have about men is that men don’t listen. Either a man completely ignores her when she speaks to him, or he listens for a few beats, assesses what is bothering her, and then proudly puts on his Mr. Fix-It cap and offers her a solution to make her feel better. He is confused when she doesn’t appreciate this gesture of love. No matter how many times she tells him that he’s not listening, he doesn’t get it and keeps doing the same thing. She wants empathy, but he thinks she wants solutions.
The most frequently expressed complaint men have about women is that women are always trying to change them. When a woman loves a man she feels responsible to assist him in growing and tries to help him improve the way he does things. She forms a home-improvement committee, and he becomes her primary focus. No matter how much he resists her help, she persists - waiting for any opportunity to help him or tell him what to do.
A man is particularly vulnerable to this incorrect belief. It generates within him the fear of failing. He wants to give but is afraid he will fail, so he doesn’t try. If his biggest fear is inadequacy, he naturally is going to avoid any unnecessary risks.
Ironically, when a man really cares a lot his fear of failure increases, and he gives less. To avoid failure he stops giving to the people he wants to give to the most.
When a man is insecure he may compensate by not caring about anybody except himself. His most automatic defensive response is to say “I don’t care.” For this reason, the Martians did not let themselves feel or care too much for others. By becoming successful and powerful they finally realized that they were good enough and that they could succeed in giving. They then discovered the Venusians.
Just as women are sensitive to feeling rejected when they don’t get the attention they need, men are sensitive to feeling that they have failed when a woman talks about problems. This is why it is so hard for him to listen sometimes. He wants to be her hero. When she is disappointed or unhappy over anything, he feels like a failure. Her unhappiness confirms his deepest fear: he is just not good enough. Many women today don’t realize how vulnerable men are and how much they need love too. Love helps him to know that he is enough to fulfill others.
Not worrying about him is difficult for her. Worrying for others is one way women express their love and caring. It is a way of showing love. For a woman, being happy when the person you love is upset just doesn’t seem right. He certainly doesn’t want her to be happy because he is upset, but he does want her to be happy. He wants her to be happy so that he has one less problem to worry about. In addition he wants her to be happy because it helps him to feel loved by her. When a woman is happy and free from worry, it is easier for him to come out.
Ironically men show their love by not worrying. A man questions “How can you worry about someone whom you admire and trust?” Men commonly support one another by saying phrases such as “Don’t worry, you can handle it” or “That’s their problem, not yours” or “I’m sure it will work out.” Men support one another by not worrying or minimizing their troubles.
It look me years to understand that my wife actually wanted me to worry for her when she was upset. Without this awareness of our different needs, I would minimize the importance of her concerns. This only made her more upset.
When a man goes into his cave he is generally trying to solve a problem. If his mate is happy or not needy at this time, then he has one less problem to solve before coming out. Knowing that she is happy with him also gives him more strength to deal with his problem while in the cave.
Bill said, “I can’t understand my wife, Mary. For weeks she is the most wonderful woman. She gives her love so unconditionally to me and to everyone. Then suddenly she becomes overwhelmed by how much she is doing for everyone and starts being disapproving of me. It’s not my fault she’s unhappy. I explain that to her, and we just get into the biggest fights.”
Like many men, Bill made the mistake of trying to prevent his partner from “going down” or “bottoming out.” He tried to rescue her by pulling her up. He had now learned that when his wife was going down she needed to hit bottom before she could come up.
When his wife, Mary, started to crash, her first symptom was to feel overwhelmed. Instead of listening to her with caring, warmth, and empathy, he would try to bring her back up with explanations of why she shouldn’t be so upset.
The lasting a woman needs when she is on her way down is someone telling her why she shouldn’t be down. What she needs is someone to be with her as she goes down, to listen to her while she shares her feelings, and to empathize with what she is going through. Even if a man can’t fully understand why a woman feels overwhelmed, he can offer his love, attention, and support.
When a woman comes out of the well she becomes her usual loving self again. This positive shift is generally misunderstood by men. A man typically thinks that whatever was bothering her is now completely healed or resolved. This is not the case. It is an illusion. Because she is suddenly more loving and positive he mistakenly thinks all her issues are resolved.
When her wave crashes again, similar issues will arise. When her issues come up again he becomes impatient, because he thinks they have already been resolved. Without understanding the wave, he finds it hard to validate and nurture her feelings while she is in the “well.”
When a woman goes into her well her deepest issues tend to surface. These issues may have to do with the relationship, but usually they are heavily charged from her past relationships and childhood. Whatever remains to be healed or resolved from her past inevitably will come up.
When a woman’s unresolved feelings recur, he may respond inappropriately by saying:
- How many times do we have to go through this
- I’ve heard this all before
- I thought we had established that
- When are you going to get off it?
- I don’t want to deal with this again
- This is crazy! We are having the same argument
- Why do you have so many problem?
Telling a woman she shouldn’t feel hurt is about the worst thing a man can say. It hurts her even more, like poking a stick into an open wound.
Sometimes when a woman is hurting she may even agree intellectually that she shouldn’t be hurting. But emotionally she is still hurting and doesn’t want to hear from him that she shouldn’t be hurting. What she needs is his understanding of why she is hurting.
Men argue for the right to be free while women argue for the right to be upset. Men want space while women want understanding.
I remember reading this quote: “A wealthy woman can only get empathy from a wealthy psychiatrist.”
A woman with money is expected to be fulfilled all the time because her life could be so much worse without this financial abundance. This expectation is not only impractical but disrespectful. Regardless of wealth, status, privilege, or circumstances, a woman needs permission to be upset and allow her wave to crash.
If a woman is not supported in being unhappy sometimes then she can never truly be happy. To be genuinely happy requires dipping down into the well to release, heal and purify the emotions. This is a natural and healthy process.
A woman thinks she is being loving when she asks a lot of caring questions or expresses concern. As we have discussed before, this can be very annoying to a man. He may start to feel controlled and want space. She is confused, because if she were offered this kind of support she would be appreciate. Her efforts to be loving are at best ignored and at worst annoying.
Similarly, men think they are being loving, but the way they express their love may make a woman feel invalidated and unsupported. For example, when a woman gets upset, he thinks he is loving and supporting her by making comments that minimize the importance of her problems. He may say “Don’t worry, it’s not such a big deal.” Or he may completely ignore her, assuming he is giving her a lot of “space” to cool off and go into her cave. What he thinks is support makes her feel minimized, unloved and ignored.
Women need:
- Caring
- Understanding
- Respect
- Devotion
- Validation
- Reassurance
Men need:
- Trust
- Acceptance
- Appreciation
- Admiration
- Approval
- Encouragement
Remember that feelings don’t always make sense right away, but they’re still valid and need empathy.
Remember you don’t have to fully understand her point of view to be appreciated as a good listener.
As a basic guideline: never argue. Instead discuss the pros and cons of something. Negotiate for what you want but don’t argue. It is possible to be honest, open, and even express negative feelings without arguing or fighting.
The secret to avoiding arguments is loving and respectful communication.
The difference and disagreements don’t hurt as much as the ways in which we communicate them. Practically speaking, most couples start out arguing about one thing and, within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing.
It’s not what we say that hurts but how we say it.
When a woman keeps score, no matter how big or small a gift of love is, it scores one point; each gift has equal value.
101 ways to score points with a woman
- Upon returning home find her first before doing anything else and give her a hug
- Ask her specific questions about her day that indicate an awareness of what she was planning to do (How did your appointment with the doctor go?)
- Practice listening and asking questions
- Resist the temptation to solve her problems - empathize instead
- Give her 20 minutes of unsolicited, quality attention
- Bring her cut flowers as a surprise as well as on special occasions
- Plan a date several days in advance, rather than waiting for Friday night and asking her what she wants to do
- Compliment her on how she looks
- Validate her feelings when she is upset
Women possess the special ability to appreciate the little things of life as much as the big things. This is a blessing for men. Most men strive for grater and greater success because they believe it will make them worthy of love. Deep inside, they crave love and admiration from others. They do not know that they can draw that love and admiration to them without having to be a greater success.
Something happens to a woman when she feels she is giving more than she is getting. Quite unconsciously she subtracts his score of ten from her score of forty and concludes the score in their relationship is thirty to zero.
When a man feels unappreciated, he stops giving support. He needs to understand that it is hard for her to give points for his support and appreciate him when she is sick with resentment.
He can release his own resentment by understanding that she needs to receive for a while before she can give again. He can remember this as he attentively gives her love and affection in little ways.
Men idealize fairness. Woman idealize unconditional love.