- Never show people that you are upset, for it makes you appear weak.
- If someone makes a joke at your expenses, pretend that you didn’t hear it, while looking straight into his eyes. A joke that has to be explained or repeated loses its power.
- If you are in an argument with someone, sit next to them. You will seem less of a threat.
- People love people who like them. Likewise, people hate individuals who hate them.
- Like always, try to look your best. People respond positively to the clean cut.
- Hard chairs make for a hard negotiation. People sitting on them are less likely to cooperate.
- Win through your actions, never through arguments
- You want someone you just met to like you? Ask them open-ended questions about themselves.
Don’t take it personally. How people treat you has less to do with your actual mistakes, and almost all to do with how they treat themselves. I’ve found that the harshest criticizers are people who are constantly criticizing themselves, and often in complete denial of it, too. Imagine that they are yelling those things at themselves, not at you.
Take a deep breath. Take a step back, zoom out from the situation. The more caught up in the heat of the moment you are, the more emotional you’re going to get. The more you can “zoom out” and look at the big picture, the calmer you’ll be.
Work on your own confidence, and don’t criticize yourself so much. If you have a strong confidence with yourself, any mistake you make doesn’t seem so bad. But if you have low confidence in yourself, every mistake you make feels like proof that you are a total mess-up.
Something I learned in private school is that everyone knows everyone else and, for the most part most jobs, acceptances, scholarships, etc… were done behind the scenes through connections.
All the benefits in life come from compound interest - money, relationships, habits - anything of importance.
If you don’t see going with someone for 10 years, don’t even work with them for a day. Think long-term goal with long-term people.
The way you carry yourself will often determine how you are treated: In the long run, appearing vulgar or common will make people disrespect you. For a king respects himself and inspires the sentiment in others. By acting regally and confident of your powers, you make yourself seem destined to wear a crown.
Do you envy someone who is popular at work, invited to parties, and spoken of in social circles? If they attract love because of positive character qualities, be glad for them. If they attract attention because of negative character qualities, be glad you don’t share them.
Do not expect to equal anyone in effect without putting forth a similar effort. A person who rarely leaves home, who doesn’t converse with, praise, and encourage others, will not attract friends.
Everything has its price. How much does lettuce cost? If you are unwilling to pay a dollar for lettuce, yet you envy the man who has a bagful of lettuce because he paid five dollars, you are a fool. Do not imagine he has gained an advantage over you — he has his lettuce, you have your coins.
So, if you have not been invited to a party, it is because you haven’t paid the price of the invitation. It costs social engagement, conversation, encouragement, and praise. If you are not willing to pay this price, do not be upset when you don’t receive an invitation.
Do you have anything good in practice of the invitations? Yes — you have the pleasure of not making small talk with people you don’t really like, not praising someone you don’t admire, and not mingling with lackeys.
Social phobics do not fear the crowd but the fact that they may be judged negatively.
Shrodinger’s douchebag: someone who says offensive things and decides whether he was joking based on the reaction of people around him.
A big part of being social is having the ability to read someone’s interest and how engaged they are in the conversation topic.
If they make you feel bad more often than they make you feel good, they aren’t your friend.
- Appealing to the other person’s highest ideals
- Remembering the other person’s name
- Letting the other person do most of the talking
- Speaking in terms of the other person’s interests
- Allowing the other to save face, by “throwing down a challenge,”
Most people are too wrapped up in their own lives and insecurities to focus on you.
When I try to think of other people’s embarrassing moments, it’s actually quite hard to do. And if I do think of something, I don’t dwell on it or give it more than a fleeting thought - it’s usually no big deal. It’s kind of nice to know that no one really gives a shit and maybe that one cringey thing I once said isn’t actually that big of a deal.
Related note - when I realized that I would never talk to someone they way I talk to myself, it was a little lightbulb moment. Self compassion is a long road.
Basically I was sitting around, waiting to be invited to something. More often than not, I’d end up just sitting around. I’d wonder why I’m not more popular, what I was doing wrong. Until I realized that so many other people I knew were doing the same thing: waiting around, waiting to be invited to something. So I tried something. I planned a movie night at my apartment, and sent out an invitation. Lots of people joined, and were eager to have something to do. Which leads me to my thesis:
Plan Your Own Shit.
Just try it. It doesn’t have to be anything big. In fact, it’s probably better to start small.
When you organize things and give people something to do, you’re giving them something valuable. People like people who are valuable to them. You’ll probably find yourself better liked and more respected, and you’ll probably find yourself invited to more things by the people you meet and grow closer to. People who are really good at this often have very robust friend networks. I’ve known a few people like this in my life, and they all had active and fulfilling social lives. They befriended me using the techniques that I’ve outlined, and I was always extremely grateful to them.
Lastly, it gets easier. The first time you plan something, it might be scary or stressful. Start small and easy, and work your way up. In the beginning, you might feel like you have to do everything yourself, but as you meet and grow closer to more people, you’ll meet people who plan things and invite you.
When my dad got divorced, he found a lot of his friends were really just my mom’s friends. He had exactly one friend who helped him pack up and move. His joke after this was if you win the lottery, you’ll find out real quick how big your family apparently is. But if you wanna find out how many friends you have, get a divorce. The lesson here is that a true friend will stand by you even in a really dark place where they have absolutely nothing to benefit from standing by your side, and even in some cases, something to lose.
Especially when you’re in a dark place.
When it comes to friendships, I think we all need to make an effort not to be transactional about it. The moment I start trying to measure and gauge whether a friend appears as engaged in the friendship as I am, that’s the moment when the friendship stops being genuine.
The more you focus on what you think you lack, the more you begin to doubt your self-worth, and the more you turn people off. People aren’t dumb. They can see your insecurities blatantly.