In fifteen and a half years of schooling, I learned maths, physics, chemistry, biology, and a bunch of other stuff, except how to deal with challenging situations? How to face my fears and struggles? What to do about my depressive feelings? How to deal effectively with the death of my friend? What to do with my anger? How to be more confident?
You and I, we’re responsible for our own flourishing. We’re responsible for not letting our happiness depend on external circumstances — we shouldn’t let the rain, annoying strangers, or a leaking washing machine decide upon our wellbeing. Otherwise, we become helpless victims of life circumstances out of hand. As a Stoic student, you learn that only you can ruin your life and only you can refuse to let you inner self be conquered by whatever nasty challenge life throws at you.
Stoicism can improve your life in good times, but it’s in bad times when its efficacy becomes most apparent. It can be the light showing you the way through pitch-black depressive moments. It holds your hand when you need confidence to minimize emotional suffering by taming the bad guys like anger, fear, and grief. It can be your stepping stool to reach that tranquility you need when you’re knee-deep in shit. It can be your strong backbone when you need to act courageously even when you’re shaking like a leaf. It can be the clown that wakes you up and casts a smile on your face when you need it the most.
If it’s not right, do not do it. If it’s not true, do not say it.
No tree becomes deep-rooted and sturdy unless strong winds blow against it. This shaking and pulling is what makes the tree tighten its grips and plant its roots more securely; the fragile trees are those grown in a sunny valley. Just like for the trees, heavy rain and strong winds are to the advantage of good people, it’s how they may grow calm, disciplined, humble, and strong.
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do.
The philosopher is the one who knows the fundamental thing: how to live.
A “philosopher” literally translates from the Greek into a “lover of wisdom,” someone who loves to learn how to live, someone who wants to attain practical wisdom concerning how to actually live their life.
Philosophy prepares us to endure whatever happens. Otherwise, it would be like the boxer leaving the ring because he took some punches. So, what should each of us say to every trial we face? This is what I’ve trained for, this is my discipline. Just because life slaps, kicks, spits, and knocks us out doesn’t mean we should give up and leave, it means we should get back up and keep on getting better. Such is life — it’s like our boxing ring, punches and kicks are what we’ve signed up for, this is our discipline.
Unharmed prosperity cannot endure a single blow.
Basically, when the inner wolf is angry, we let it take over, and then we blindly follow the action tendency and act out. What the Stoics found, however, is that we don’t need to follow that tendency. We can train ourselves to act calmly despite feeling angry, act courageously despite feeling anxious, and going east despite the wolf pulling west.
Fortunately, we don’t need to pretend the wolf isn’t there, or even kill it (which isn’t even possible). The Stoics want us to tame and learn to understand that wolf. Instead of letting it dictate our actions when it’s angry, anxious, or hungry, we act calmly despite the anger. It can snarl and howl as much as it wants, we don’t fear it and act as we choose to. The wolf doesn’t have a say in our decisions any longer despite feeling the action tendency.
There’s nothing impressive about putting up with that which one doesn’t feel. A brave man isn’t someone who doesn’t experience any trace of fear whatsoever but someone who acts courageously despite feeling anxiety.
Unlike the Cynics, the Stoics favored a lifestyle that allowed simple comforts. They argued that people should enjoy the good things in life without clinging to them. As Marcus Aurelius later said, “If you must live in a palace, then you can also live well in a palace.”
Enchiridion often gets translated as Handbook, but it literally means “ready at hand” — more like a dagger than a handbook, always ready to deal with life’s challenges.
It never ceases to amaze me: we all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own.
Eudaimonia: it means being on good terms (eu) with your inner daimon, your highest self.
Live with Arete: express your highest self in every moment. If we want to be on good terms with our highest self, we need to close the gap between what we’re capable of and what we’re actually doing. This is really about being your best version in the here and now.
Focus on what you control.
Take responsibility: good and bad come solely from yourself.
The Stoics believed that nature wants us to thrive in life. This is why the inner daimon, our highest self, had been planted within all of us like a divine seed, so that we have it in our natural potential to become that highest version of ourselves. We’re born with an inclination toward virtue.
Wisdom is about understanding how to act and feel appropriately. Wisdom includes excellent deliberation, healthy judgment, perspective, and good sense. It opposes the vice of folly or thoughtlessness.
Justice is about knowing how to act and feel well in our relationships with others. Justice includes good-heartedness, integrity, public service, and fairness. It opposes the vice of wrongdoing or injustice.
Courage is about knowing how to act and feel correctly when facing fearful situations. Courage includes bravery, perseverance, honesty, and confidence. It opposes the vice of cowardice.
Self-discipline (or temperance) is about knowing how to act and feel right, despite emotions such as strong desires, inner resistance, or lust. Self-discipline includes orderliness, self-control, forgiveness, and humility. It opposes the vice of excess.
Just like a grapevine won’t produce perfect grapes in its first years, and will continue to have some sour grapes even in its prime, you too will get better if you try to be your best but you’ll also continue to show some flaws.
He was fair an honest not only when it was convenient, but always.
The first type of people, after doing a deed of kindness to another, is quickly to demand the favor in return. The second type are not so quickly to ask for a return of the favor, but privately think of the other as their debtor. The third type are just “like the vine which has produced grapes and looks for nothing else once it has borne its own fruit.” It’s in their nature to do good to others, and we should do it for its own sake.
We must not look or wish for added bonuses such as admiration from others because they aren’t within our control and can fade quickly.
He said people can’t admire you for what’s been granted to you by nature, but there are many other qualities to cultivate. “So display those virtues which are wholly in your own power — integrity, dignity, hard work, self-denial, contentment, frugality, kindness, independence, simplicity, discretion, magnanimity.”
We are the only ones to stop ourselves from cultivating these qualities. It’s within our power to prevent viciousness, curb our arrogance, stop lusting after fame, and control our temper. “Do you not see how many virtues you can display without any excuse of lack of talent or aptitude?”
God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.
The point is, he can try his best to the moment he pulls the trigger, but whether he hits the apple or the eye is not in his power. And the same is true for us in everyday life. We can choose our intentions and actions but the ultimate outcome depends on external variables beyond our control.
Suffering is our psychological resistance to what happens. Events can give us physical pain, but suffering and inner disturbance only come from resisting what is, from fighting with reality.
This is fighting with the Gods, say Epictetus, things are as they are because that’s how it’s meant to be. Our emotional pain emanates from confusing the things which are up to us and those that aren’t. Fighting with reality; fighting with the things we cannot change, will leave us disturbed, angry at the world, blaming others, resenting life, and hating the gods.
In poker as in life, you can win with any hand. The hands are dealt by chance; you have no say in what you get. The cards are neutral, indifferent. What matters is how well you play them.
The hallmark of an admirable player, then, is that they play their best regardless of their cards and that they calmly accept whatever comes out. It’s all they can do — giving their best with whichever cards they’ve been dealt. In the end, not the player with the best cards, but the player who plays their cards the best over the course of the tournament, or the course of a whole lifetime, will win.
If you want anything good, you must get it from yourself.
What Epictetus describes here is exactly what we today call conditional happiness — binding happiness to some future event. I’ll be happy after my exams. I’ll be happy when I get that new Porsche. I’ll be happy when I finally earn six figures. It’s like the horizon — you can walk for miles and miles but won’t get any closer. Either we keep on yearning for stuff we don’t have, or we actually have a chance for happiness. We can’t have both. True happiness is when you have all you desire.
The majority of ordinary people lack fulfillment and peace of mind because their values are confused and internally conflicted. We waste our lives chasing after an illusion of Happiness, based on a mixture of hedonism, materialism and egotism — crazy, self-defeating values absorbed from the foolish world around us.
One could also argue that many faulty judgments happen because we’re not aware enough in the first place.
Remember, for the Stoics, the only good lies in our voluntary actions, and our actions can only be voluntary when we’re bringing awareness into every moment.
What would have become of Hercules, do you think, if there had been no lion, hydra, stag or boar, and no savage criminals to rid the world of? What would he have done in the absence of such challenges?
On no occasion call yourself a philosopher, and do not, for the most part, talk among laymen about your philosophical principles, but rather do what follows from your principles.
Marcus Aurelius has a trick to bring his will into harmony with reality. He compares what happens to us to what a doctor prescribes to us. Just like you take some medicine when a doctor tells you to, we should take external events as they are, because they’re like the medicine there to help us.
Imagine a fire. Every obstacle gets consumed and used as fuel. If there’s nothing standing in the way, the fire dies. You are that fire. Nothing really is an obstacle because they only feed you and make you stronger.
Remind yourself of the impermanence of things.
When giving your child or wife a kiss, repeat to yourself, “I am kissing a mortal.”
Knowing that nothing lasts makes you less attached and it becomes easier to accept change or when you lose what you love.
The next time you say goodbye to a loved one, silently remind yourself that this might be your final parting. You’ll be less attached to them and if you see them again, you’ll appreciate it much more.
Think of yourself as dead. You’ve lived your life. Not take what’s left and live properly. Living as if it’s our last day is not about living a frivolous lifestyle with drugs, blackjack, and hookers. It’s about periodically reflecting on the fact that you will not live forever, you’re mortal, and you might not wake up the next morning.
The goal is not to change your activities necessarily, but your state of mind while doing those activities. You won’t take things for granted anymore, and appreciate every little thing much more. You will savor each and every moment.
In days of peace the soldier performs maneuvers, throws up earthworks with no enemy in sight, and wearies himself by unnecessary toil, in order that he may be equal when it is necessary. If you would not have a man flinch when the crisis comes, train him before it comes.
Think of this thought training as foresight. Ask yourself:
- What could go wrong
- What obstacle could pop up
- Where could I face difficulties
That’s emotional resilience training.
Devastation — that feeling that we’re absolutely crushed and shocked by an event — is a factor of how unlikely we considered that event in the first place.
In the army, they know this sort of training and say: “If it ain’t raining, it ain’t training.”
Train now when it’s still easy, and you’ll be prepared for it when it gets tough.
This isn’t about punishing yourself; it’s about expanding your comfort zone, getting more comfortable in uncomfortable situations, and improving your self-discipline, resilience, and confidence. You train yourself to do the things that are tough. And you train yourself to say no to the things that are hard to say no to.
When you first rise in the morning tell yourself: I will encounter busybodies, ingrates, egomaniacs, liars, the jealous and cranks. They are all stricken with these afflictions because they don’t know the difference between good and evil.
A good man is glad to receive advice, while a poor man resents any guidance.
- Good: What did I do well today?
- Better: How could I improve?
- Best: What do I need to do if I want to be the best version of myself?
Always be kind to yourself.
Choose someone whose way of life as well as words have won your approval. Be always pointing him out to yourself either as your guardian or as your model. There is a need for someone as a standard against which our characters can measure themselves.
Doctors keep their scalpels and other instruments handy for emergencies. Keep your philosophy ready too.
The model for the application of your principles is the boxer rather than the gladiator. The gladiator puts down or takes up the sword he uses, but the boxer always has his hands, and needs only to clench them into fists.
Play your roles well, even if others don’t.
By seeking social status, we give other people power over us. We have to act in a calculated way to make them admire us, and we must refrain from doing things in their disfavor. We enslave ourselves by seeking fame.
Things almost change as you look at them, and then they will be forgotten.
Is it not madness and the widest lunacy to desire so much when you can hold so little?
By spending time on something, you give it importance.
The value of education (knowledge) like that of bold is valued in every place.
It is impossible to learn that which one thinks one already knows.
Nothing but opinion is the cause of a troubled mind.
It’s your judgment that hurts you. And it’s your judgment that empowers you. I remember some soccer star saying something along the lines of, “The whistling and booing by the opposing fans whenever I have the ball, that motivates me.”
While another player might get hurt and loses focus, this one gets fueled by it.
As they say, if you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. Face the emotion, and get out of the hole. At some point the negative feeling will feed from itself, like a vicious cycle. You feel bad about still being grief-stricken, this will make you feel worse, and so on. You will keep on digging and never find out of the hole.
Keep this thought handy when you feel a fit of rage coming on — it isn’t manly to be enraged. Rather, gentleness and civility are more human, and therefore manlier. A real man doesn’t give way to anger and discontent, and such a person has strength, courage, and endurance — unlike the angry and complaining. The nearer a man comes to a calm mind, the closer he is to strength.
Anger, the desire to repay suffering, is brief madness.
We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more from imagination than from reality.
The primary cause of fear is that “instead of adapting ourselves to present circumstances we send out thoughts too far ahead.” It’s a projection to the future about something we don’t control that causes a dangerous amount of worry.
When I see a man in a state of anxiety, I say, “What can this man want?” If he did not want something which is not in his power, how could he still be anxious? It is for this reason that one who sings to the lyre is not anxious when he is performing by himself, but when he enters the theatre, even if he has a very good voice and plays well: for he not only wants to perform well, but also to win a great name, and that is beyond his own control.
We fear because we want what’s outside our power, or we’re too attached to something that’s not in our power to keep. We’re attached to people we love and fear losing them. We’re attached to the security of a regular salary. And we desire what’s not in our power to receive.
We must stop attaching ourselves to external things and desires which are not under our control. Because a lack of control leads to fear.
He who does not desire anything outside his control cannot be anxious.
The man who has anticipated the coming of troubles takes away their power when they arrive.
Anticipating calamities is not about ruining the present moment, but optimizing it. We’ll be less afraid of things which might never happen. The Stoics think the best path to freedom is by imagining what we fear as it’s going to happen and examining it in our mind — until we can view it with detachment.
The common way to deal with fear is to hide from it and trying to think of something else. But this is probably the worst technique of all. Fear grows by not being looked at.
The proper way to deal with what we fear is thinking about it rationally, calmly, and often — until it becomes familiar. You’ll get bored with what you once feared, and your worries will disappear. By confronting your fears, whether in imagination or in reality, you reduce the stress caused by those fears.
We fear in imagination. It’s like a dream. Instead of going along mindlessly, we must stop and ask rationally: “Does this make any sense?”
We’re creating nightmares for ourselves. That’s why we must wake up and stop this madness. We get upset at dreams. What causes the fear isn’t real, but the consequences are very much real and get in our way. We’re the ones holding us back.
Look, you can’t cure all your fears all at once. But we can manage to get less attached to things, realize that what we fear is in our imagination, and if we face our fears even in imagination only, then we can overcome most of our fears. Step by step.
When you find yourself frustrated, don’t blame other people or outside events, but yourself and your unrealistic expectations. Turn your focus inward, remember, we must take responsibility.
The only reason we get irritated by trifles is because we didn’t expect them. This is due to excessive self-love. We decide that we ought not to be harmed even by our enemies; each one in his heart has the king’s point of view, and is willing to use license, but unwilling to suffer from it.
We’re spoiled and kick and scream like a child when the world doesn’t bend to our king’s point of view. We only have in mind what we think the world owes us, and forget being grateful for what we’re lucky to have.
That’s why it’s so important to keep our expectations in check by regularly engaging in negative visualization. If we imagine the worst, we won’t have to deal with unmet expectations and can drastically reduce the negative emotions we experience.
Earlier, we said that a fire uses obstacles as fuel. They only make the fire stronger. Now, let’s look at another fire metaphor: The wind fuels a fire and extinguishes a candle.
**
If a person gave away your body to some passerby, you’d be furious. Yet you hand over your mind to anyone who comes along, so they may abuse you, leaving it disturbed and troubled — have you no shame in that?
Difficulties show a person’s character. So when a challenge confronts you, remember that God is matching you with a younger sparring partner, as would a physical trainer. Why? Becoming an Olympian takes sweat! I think no one has a better challenge than yours, if only you would use it like an athlete would that younger sparring partner.
In a hectic moment, it’s easy to lose focus on the task at hand and get lost in the vastness of our lives. We look far in the uncertain future and back in the certain but gone past. No wonder we get overwhelmed.
Let’s not forget that the past and the future are not under our control. The whole power we have comes down to this very moment. Right now, we can control the choices we make. Only in this very moment.
Remember not to cling to those things. They’re only borrowed from nature and can be taken away at a snap.
Constantly think of the universe as a single living being. Since you yourself are one of the parts that serve to perfect a social system, let your every action contribute to the perfecting of social life.
Nobody does wrong willingly.
If people lie, it’s because they think this will benefit them. If people steal, they think it’s the best thing to do. If people are mean, they somehow have the impression that’s how they get the most out of the situation.
They lack certain wisdom. They don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong. And even if they know what they’re doing might be wrong, they’re still mistaken and think it’ll be to their advantage.
The point is, they don’t do wrong on purpose. They just don’t understand any better.
Whenever you take offense at someone’s wrongdoing, immediately turn to your own similar failings, such as seeing money as good, or pleasure, or a little fame — whatever form it takes. By thinking on this, you’ll quickly forget your anger, considering also what compels them — for what else could they do? Or, if you are able, remove their compulsion.
When someone acts like your enemy, insults or opposes you, remember that he was only doing what seemed to him the right thing, he didn’t know any better.
The person who does wrong, does wrong to themselves. The unjust person is unjust to themselves — making themselves evil.
Most rudeness, meanness, and cruelty are a mask for deep-seated weakness. Kindness in these situations is only possible for people of great strength.
You don’t want to be the person who gets enraged over scratches. They take things so seriously it seems ridiculous from the outside. They think that barely visible spot ruins their looks, that dirty remark is worth a fight, or that leftover sip of milk is a reason to lose their mind.
“I buy tranquility instead.” This sentence saved me countless times from getting angry and irritated.
Associate with people who are likely to improve you.
Resist the urge to speak. Accept that something within you always wants to respond immediately. It wants to add something to the conversation. But often, that’s not necessary and even detrimental to the conversation.
Better trip with the feet than with the tongue.
Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.