“How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie is a timeless self-help book that provides practical advice on interpersonal skills, communication, and influencing others. Through real-life anecdotes and principles, Carnegie offers guidance on building positive relationships, improving communication, and achieving success in both personal and professional life.
Carnegie begins by emphasizing the importance of developing genuine interest in other people. He argues that showing sincere appreciation and listening attentively to others fosters trust and strengthens relationships. By focusing on the needs and interests of others, individuals can build rapport and create meaningful connections.
The author discusses the power of remembering and using people’s names. He argues that a person’s name is the sweetest sound to them, and using it in conversation shows respect and reinforces a sense of importance. Remembering and using names effectively helps to establish rapport and make others feel valued.
Carnegie explores the importance of being a good listener. He emphasizes the value of listening attentively and showing genuine interest in others’ perspectives and concerns. By actively listening and asking thoughtful questions, individuals can build trust, deepen relationships, and gain valuable insights.
The author discusses the importance of expressing appreciation and giving honest praise. He argues that acknowledging others’ contributions and accomplishments boosts morale, fosters goodwill, and strengthens relationships. Genuine praise motivates others to continue their efforts and builds a positive atmosphere.
Carnegie explores the art of persuasion and influence. He emphasizes the importance of understanding others’ viewpoints, needs, and motivations. By appealing to people’s self-interest and showing how they can benefit, individuals can effectively influence others and gain their cooperation.
The author discusses the importance of avoiding criticism and condemnation. He argues that criticizing others only creates resentment and defensiveness, while offering constructive feedback and focusing on solutions builds trust and fosters cooperation. By adopting a positive and empathetic approach, individuals can resolve conflicts and strengthen relationships.
Carnegie explores the importance of fostering cooperation and teamwork. He emphasizes the value of expressing empathy, understanding others’ perspectives, and finding common ground. By working collaboratively and treating others with respect, individuals can build strong teams and achieve shared goals.
The author discusses the importance of being diplomatic and tactful in communication. He emphasizes the value of expressing opinions and feedback in a constructive and considerate manner. By choosing words carefully and being mindful of others’ feelings, individuals can avoid misunderstandings and build positive relationships.
Carnegie explores the importance of cultivating a positive attitude and mindset. He argues that maintaining optimism and enthusiasm in the face of challenges inspires confidence and motivates others. By focusing on opportunities and solutions rather than dwelling on problems, individuals can overcome obstacles and achieve success.
In conclusion, “How to Win Friends and Influence People” offers practical advice on building positive relationships, improving communication, and achieving success in both personal and professional life. Carnegie’s timeless principles provide valuable insights into the power of empathy, appreciation, and influence in fostering strong connections and achieving mutual goals.
In preparation for this book, I read everything that I could find on the subject — everything from newspaper columns, magazine articles, records of the family courts, the writings of the old philosophers and the new psychologists. In addition, I hired a trained researcher to spend 1.5 years in various libraries reading everything I had missed. We read biographies. We read the life stories of all great leaders from Julius Caesar to Thomas Edison. I recall that we read over 100 biographies of Teddy Roosevelt alone.
What is this magic requirement? Just this: a deep, driving desire to learn, a vigorous determination to increase your ability to deal with people.
How can you develop such an urge? By constantly reminding yourself how important these principles are to you.
She read many of the same contracts over month after month, year after year. Why? Because experience had taught her that that was the only way she could keep their provisions clearly in mind.
My family never made any plans for me on Saturday night, for the family knew that I devoted a part of each Saturday evening to the illuminating process of self-examination and review and appraisal.
Develop a deep, driving sense desire to master the principles of human relations.
The point of the story is this: “Two Gun” Crowley didn’t blame himself for anything.
Capone didn’t condemn himself. He actually regarded himself as a public benefactor — an unappreciated and misunderstood public benefactor.
Few of the criminals in Sing Sing regard themselves as bad men. They are just as human as you and I. So they rationalize, they explain.
I learned 30 years ago that it is foolish to scold. I have enough trouble overcoming my own limitations without fretting over the fact that God has not seen fit to distribute evenly the gift of intelligence.
Wannamaker learned this lesson early, but I personally had to blunder through this old world for a third of a century before it even began to dawn upon me that 99 times out of 100, people don’t criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong it may be.
Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.
Theodore Roosevelt’s criticism didn’t persuade Taft that he was wrong. It merely made Taft strive to justify himself and to reiterate with tears in his eyes: “I don’t see how I could have done any differently from what I have.”
There you are: human nature in action, wrongdoers, blaming everybody but themselves. We’re all like that.
That was the most lurid personal incident in Lincoln’s life. It taught him an invaluable lesson in the art of dealing with people. Never again did he write an insulting letter. Never again did he ridicule anyone. And from that time on, he almost never criticized anybody for anything.
Do you know someone you would like to change and regulate and improve? Good! That is fine. I am all in favor of it, but why not begin on yourself? From a purely selfish standpoint, that is a lot more profitable than trying to improve others — yes, and a lot less dangerous.
If you and I want to stir up a resentment tomorrow that may rankle across the decades and endure until death, just let us indulge in a little stinging criticism — not matter how certain we are that it is justified.
When dealing with people, let us remember that we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.
Benjamin Franklin, tactless in his youth, became so diplomatic, so adroit at handling people, that he was made Ambassador to France. The secret of his success? “I will speak ill of no man, and speak all the good I know of everybody.”
Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain — and most fools do.
But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.
Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism, and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness.
God himself, sir, does not propose to judge man until the end of his days.
It was this desire for a feeling of importance that led an uneducated, poverty-stricken grocery clerk to study some law books he found in the bottom of a barrel of household plunder that he had bought for 50 cents. His name was Lincoln.
If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I’ll tell you what you are. That determines your character.
Victor Hugo aspired to have nothing less than the city of Paris renamed in his honor. Even Shakespeare, mightiest of the mighty, tried to add luster to his name by procuring a coat of arms for his family.
Some authorities declare that people may actually go insane in order to find, in the dreamland of insanity, the feeling of importance that has been denied them in the harsh world of reality. There are more patients suffering from mental diseases in the US than from all other diseases combined.
I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.
Flattery is telling the other person precisely what he thinks about himself.
Even if I had convinced him that he was wrong, his pride would have made it difficult for him to back down and give in.
If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.
Customers like to feel that they are buying — not being sold.
The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage.
Did you ever stop to think that a dog is the only animal that doesn’t have to work for a living? A dog makes his living by giving you nothing but love.
You can make more friends in 2 months by becoming interested in other people than you can in 2 years by trying to get other people interested in you.
It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.
He said he could pick up any one of the dozens of stories that drifted across his deck every day and after reading a few paragraphs he could feel whether or not the author liked people. “If the author doesn’t like people, people won’t like his or her stories.”
He told me that many magicians would look at the audience and say to themselves, “Well, there is a bunch of suckers out there, a bunch of hicks; I’ll fool them all right.” But Thurston’s method was totally different. He told me that every time he went on stage he said to himself: “I am grateful because these people come to see me. They make it possible for me to make my living in a very agreeable way. I’m going to give them the very best I possibly can.”
He declared he never stepped in front of the footlights without first saying to himself over and over: “I love my audience.”
I never forgot that to be genuinely interested in other people is a most important quality for a salesperson to possess — for any person, for that matter.
If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people — things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness.
A smile says, “I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.”
A man without a smiling face must not open a shop.
Then Carnegie expressed what he had on his mind — a merger of their 2 interests. He pictured in glowing terms the mutual advantages of working with, instead of against, each other. Pullman listened attentively, but he was not wholly convinced. Finally he asked, “What would you call the new company?” and Carnegie replied promptly: “Why, the Pullman Palace Car Company, of course.”
Half the time we are introduced to a stranger, we chat a few minutes and can’t even remember his or her name by the time we say goodbye.
One of the first lessons a politician learns is this: “To recall a voter’s name is statesmanship. To forget it is oblivion.”
Good manners are made up of petty sacrifices.
The botanist then turned to our host and paid me several flattering compliments. I was “most stimulating.” I was this and I was that, and he ended by saying I was a “most interesting conversationalist.”
An interesting conversationalist? Why, I had said hardly anything at all.
There is no mystery about successful business intercourse. Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important. Nothing else is so flattering as that.
Doubtless he had considered himself a holy crusader, defending the public rights against callous exploitation. But in reality, what he had really wanted was a feeling of importance.
They have been so much concerned with what they are going to say next that they do not keep their ears open.
Many call a doctor when all they want is an audience.
A man who met Freud described his manner of listening: “It struck me so forcibly that I shall never forget him. He had qualities which I had never seen in any other man. Never had I seen such concentrated attention. There was none of that piercing “soul penetrating gaze” business. His eyes were mild and genial. His voice was low and kind. His gestures were few. But the attention he gave me, his appreciation of what I said, even when I said it badly, was extraordinary. You have not idea what it meant to be listened to like that.”
A person’s toothache means more to that person than a famine in China which kills a million people.
When Roosevelt expected a visitor, he sat up late the night before, reading up on the subject in which he knew his guest was particularly interested.
For he knew, as all leaders know, that the royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.
What is there about him that I can honestly admire?
The very instant we break the law, we shall get into endless trouble. The law is this: Always make the other person feel important.
The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.
You want the approval of those with whom you come in contact. You want recognition of your true worth. You want a feeling that you are important in your little world. You don’t want to listen to cheap, insincere flattery, but you do crave sincere appreciation.
Almost everyone considers himself important, very important.
Chris taught me a lesson I will never forget — our deep desire to feel important. To help me never forget this rule, I made a sign which reads “YOU ARE IMPORTANT.”
Then what? You will feel fine. But what about him? You have made him feel inferior. You have hurt his pride. He will resent your triumph. And:
A man convinced against his will. Is of the same opinion still.
This tax inspector was demonstrating one of the most common of human frailties. He wanted a feeling of importance; and as long as Mr. Parsons argued with him, he got his feeling of importance by loudly asserting his authority. But as soon as his importance was admitted and the argument stopped and he was permitted to expand his ego, he became a sympathetic and kindly human being.
Better give your path to a dog than be bitten by him in contesting for the right. Even killing the dog would not cure the bite.
You may then hurl at them all the logic of a Plato or a Kant, but you will not alter their opinions, for you have hurt their feelings.
Men must be taught as if you taught them not. And things unknown proposed as things forgot.
Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so.
If a person makes a statement that you think is wrong — yes, even that you know is wrong — isn’t it better to begin by saying: “Well, now, look, I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong. I frequently am. And if I am wrong, I want to be put right. Let’s examine the facts.”
Recognizing that this was getting me nowhere fast, I tried a new tack. I would say something like this: “Our dealership has made so many mistakes that I am frequently ashamed. We may have erred in your case. Tell me about it.”
Our first reaction to most of the statements is an evaluation or judgment, rather than an understanding of it. When someone expresses some feeling, attitude or belief, our tendency is almost immediately to feel “that’s right,” or “that’s stupid,” “that’s abnormal,” “that’s unreasonable,” “that’s incorrect,” “that’s not nice.” Very rarely do we permit ourselves to understand precisely what the meaning of the statement is to the other person.
I made a rule to forbear all direct contradiction to the sentiment of others, and all positive assertion of my own, I even forbade myself the use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such as “certainly,” “undoubtedly,” etc., and I adopted, instead of them, “I conceive,” “I apprehend,” or “I imagine” a thing to be so, or “it so appears to me at present.”
I entered the meeting determined to prove to the management that my system was the right approach. I told them in detail how they were wrong and showed where they were being unfair and how I had all the answers they needed. To say the least, I failed miserably! I had become so busy defending my position on the new system that I had left them no opening to graciously admit their problems on the old one.
I’m convinced now that nothing good is accomplished and a lot of damage can be done if you tell a person straight out that he or she is wrong. You only succeed in stripping that person of self-dignity and making yourself an unwelcome part of any discussion.
If a man’s heart is rankling with discord and ill feeling toward you, you can’t win him to your way of thinking with all the logic in Christendom.
Don’t you have much more faith in ideas that you discover for yourself than in ideas that are handed to you on a silver platter? If so, isn’t it bad judgment to try to ram your opinions down the throats of other people? Isn’t it wiser to make suggestions — and let the other person think out the conclusion?
In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty.
After I got to know the President, I learned the best way to convert him to an idea was to plant it in his mind casually, but so as to interest him in it — so as to get him thinking about it on his own account. The first time it worked it was an accident. I had been visiting him at the WH and urged on a policy on him which he appeared to disapprove. But several days later, at the dinner table, I was amazed to hear him trot our my suggestions as his own.
The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them. Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams. So the sage, wishing to be above men, puts himself below them; wishing to before them, he puts himself behind them. Thus, though his place be above men, they do not feel his weight; though his place be before them, they do not count it an injury.
Stop a minute to contrast your keen interest in your own affairs with your mild concern about anything else. Realize then, that everybody else in the world feels exactly the same way.
Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you show that you consider the other person’s ideas and feelings as important as your own.
The result? They obeyed — obeyed sullenly and with resentment. After I rode on over the hill, they probably rebuilt the fire and longed to burn up the whole park.
I apologized most sincerely for causing him so much inconvenience and remarked that I must be his most troublesome customer as this was not the first time I was behind in my payments. His tone of voice changed immediately, and he reassured me that I was far from being one of his really troublesome customers. He went on to tell me several examples of how rude his customers sometimes were, how they lied to him and often tried to avoid talking to him at all. I said nothing. I listened and let him pour out his troubles to me. Then, without any suggestion from me, he said it did not matter if I couldn’t pay all the money immediately. It would be alright if I paid him $20 by the end of the month and made up the balance whenever it was convenient for me to do so.
I would rather walk the sidewalk in front of a person’s office for 2 hours before an interview than step into that office without a perfectly clear idea of what I was going to say and what that person was likely to answer.
Wouldn’t you like to have a magic phrase that would stop arguments, eliminate ill feeling, create good will, and make the other person listen attentively?
Here it is: “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you, I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.”
Mr. Hurok told me that one of his first lessons he had learned in dealing with his temperamental stars was the “necessity for sympathy, sympathy and more sympathy with their idiosyncrasies.”
A person usually has 2 reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one.
“All men have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward, sometimes to death, but always to victory” was the motto of the King’s Guard in ancient Greece.
I have never found that pay and pay alone would either bring together or hold good people. I think it was the game itself.
That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win. The desire for a feeling of importance.
His method was probably a bit obvious, but the psychology was superb. It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.
Only those generals who gain successes can set up as dictators. What I now ask of you is military success and I will risk the dictatorship.
Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain is pain-killing. A leader will begin with praise and honest appreciation.
You are twice as old as Josephine. You have had 10K times as much business experience. How can you possibly expect her to have your viewpoint, your judgment, your initiative — mediocre though they may be?
You were not born with judgment. That comes only with experience.
If you want to help others to improve, remember to use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
House practically told Bryan that he was too important for the job — and Bryan was satisfied.
Wilson refused to take prominent Republican leaders to the peace conference with him. Instead he took along unknown men from his own party. He snubbed the Republicans, refused to let them feel that the League was their idea as well as his, refused to let them have a finger in the pie; and, as a result of this crude handling of human relations, wrecked his own career, ruined his health, shortened his life, caused America to stay out of the League, and altered the history of the world.